I've been on Pitocin since midnight... I went to the hospital yesterday around 6PM. They tested the fluid I was leaking with ph strips... it was negative for amniotic fluid. My doctor asked that they keep me until she came in to look herself, and even though it made me mad at first I'm glad she did... because I'd had a slow leak for two days. I've gotten my epidural and I'm just so ready to go ahead and hae this baby!
He hasn't showed yet, but I'm trying not to lose hope.
Please hope/pray for me to progress some more so I don't need a c-section tonight, because I've been stuck since this morning at 3.5cm dilated and steady contractions.
Edit: Going to get ready for a c-section now... oh well...
I'm doing the third load of baby clothes of the day and I've been cleaning all day... I thought about calling the doctor about my kind-of-sort-of-leaking but I have too much I still need to get ready. I didn't realize how much I really had to do until suddenly the thought of actually leaving for the hospital crossed my mind and I looked around... I wish I didn't have to do all of this alone, but I do. My mom works way too much to ask her to help. I burnt my arm on the stupid iron because for some reason all the baby clothes I bought hate the dryer and come out really stupid looking so I have to iron everything, even the washcloths... I'm taking a bit of a break on the actual cleaning now, just sticking to laundry for a little bit. I'm hungry and I can't stay full.
For once, lack of energy isn't the problem. I have plenty of energy, it's just that I've used it all day and I've moved around so much that my belly and my back hurt really bad from bending over and then standing straight so much. Ugh.
/end of rant
( Hormonal anger that will probably subside later, so it's just under a cut.Collapse )
I have more good days than nights. A lot of days I forgive you, and I try to hope we can work things out because we're having a daughter. A lot of days I'm not quite so miserable, and maybe this whole thing is my hormones, but it's not fair. I love you. We're having a baby. Seriously, what could be more important than that? What could be more important than making things work for her? She's going to be so beautiful, and she's going to need both of us so much. I don't mean to sound like I don't want her, not at all. I'm just scared, and I want you here. I just want you here for the little things. I want to be able to just listen to your heart beating while you're sleeping and I can't instead of staring at a computer screen with tears in my eyes. I want you around because you even me out. I'm not so scared when you tell me not to be, and I'm not so sad when I can just be around you. And now I feel like that's gone forever. I keep praying and praying and some days it just seems like God isn't listening to me. I don't want the entire world to change for me, I just want to have our baby and to be with you and share every moment of that with you and not have to go it alone anymore. I want you to just see that I'm not lying to you, remember that your roommate has lied more than I ever have, and for us to work on us for our little girl so she sees her daddy every night. I want you to be able to tuck her in when you get home from work, and not just one or two nights when she stays with you. She's going to be so beautiful.
I pray all the time now. I pray to have more faith in God and to trust that what's meant to happen will, that we can be together and be happy, and that our little girl is healthy and beautiful and you fall in love with her. I pray that by this time next year, this will all be a bad dream and I'll just be able to kiss you when I want to and plan her first birthday with you.
I think I've cried enough that I can fall asleep now, but this still won't end. I'm sure when my conscious mind turns off, you'll still be painting the back of my eyelids and I'll just dream about how things should have been now and how things will be in the future. I still remember exactly what it was like to lay beside you when we first found out I was pregnant, when there was no doubt in your mind, and everything just seemed so perfect and complete. You and me, and baby makes three.
I hope God really is listening.
I'm still head over heels in love with you, no questions asked. You jump, I jump. I will go through every means necessary to fix this. I'm letting my guard down, completely. This could be completely wrong, or this could be completely right, but one thing I know for sure at this exact moment: I refuse to let you go. Not right now, and not like this. I'm not falling like a wounded soldier in battle.
I am putting up one last fight, one last true effort. I want you more than anything in the world, and I will do anything to earn your trust.
I just want to see you, so I can tell you that in person. If I could see you right now, I'd tell you everything. I'd apologize for everything. I am so willing to throw myself into this haphazardly. I'd rather get hurt again than think I gave up everything that we could have because I was too afraid to fight.
I'm not going to be a sitting duck anymore.
Whenever it's time to leave or I have a paycheck I'm always "OMG I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BUY FOR THE BABY" and it completely overwhelms me ... so I've made a list. I'll probably add more to it. If anyone notices anything that should be on there but isn't, please let me know so that I can add it. ( Shopping ListCollapse )
I think about, you know, life and what it really means,
I drink about it. I think I'm busting at the seams.
Don't over think it, I think somebody told me that before
Yeah whatever, thats my attitude, what can I say?
Evidently I was raised to be this way,
But incidently there's days I really want to change,
If heaven sent me, then why do I feel this crazy?
Will I ever change? Guess it all depends.
Feels like nothin' ever went my way, tellin' myself it'll be okay.
Broken-hearted, I've been listenin' to my head scream.
Got it? Spark it. You hear that? Or is it just me?
What's the matter? Are you feeling just like me?
Has anybody seen my mind? I can't find it.
Life is flying, somebody rewind it.
We're all dying, and just running around buying it.
I think we got a little too open-minded.
Here I am looking, caught between tomorrow and yesterday...
`` Everybody asks why I started at the end and worked back to the beginning, the reason is simple, I couldn't understand the beginning until I had reached the end. There were too many pieces of the puzzle missing, too much you would never tell. ...But how do I show that nothing, not a taste, not a smell, not even the color of the sky, has ever been as clear and sharp as it was when I belonged to him? `` white oleander.
`` And I know, knew for sure, with an absolute certainty, that this is rock bottom, this what the worst possible thing feels like. It is not some grand, wretched emotional breakdown. It is, in fact, so very mundane:…Rock Bottom is an inability to cope with the commonplace that is so extreme it makes even the grandest and loveliest things unbearable…Rock bottom is feeling that the only thing that matters in all of life is the one bad moment…Rock bottom is everything out of focus. It’s a failure of vision, a failure to see the world how it is, to see the good in what it is, and only to wonder why the hell things look the way they do and not—and not some other way. `` elizabeth wurtzel.
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